One of the biggest lies of being a new mom is that everything is going to be the same, except there’s a baby. The truth is everything is different. Plus there’s a baby. Your hormones, your body, your priorities, your ability to sleep, your ability to remember what day it is, it’s ALL different. Because nothing is the same, and because so much focus is going to be on this new tiny human (rightfully so) you’re going to need to do something you maybe haven’t done before. That thing, is advocate for yourself.
People love to passionately debate whether a mama should go back to work or not, but we’re not going to do that here. Whatever is best for you and your family is the right choice. Because the truth is, spoiler alert, no one wins. Whether you return to work, or brave the highs and lows of managing a tiny human at home, you will be working. What we will do is talk about what advocating for yourself looks like in either setting, as well as inside your own mind and with your healthcare providers.
Advocating for yourself at work
When I was 39 weeks pregnant and on the verge of popping, I had a conversation with someone who encouraged me to advocate for myself. She said, “Look, if you do go back and the things you’re telling me about your work are true, you need to ask for a raise.” My mind was blown. She might as well have told me unicorns were real or that we had finally cracked the algorithm for time travel. For starters, I didn’t know this person incredibly well, and secondly, asking for a raise had NEVER crossed my mind. Our conversation didn’t last much longer, but it didn’t need to. She had planted a seed.
Now, I don’t know if asking for a raise is appropriate for you. In my particular situation I had helped drive great success with my company over two years without a raise. It’s important to be honest with yourself. But should you decide to go for it, boldly and kindly ask for your raise. Create a list of why you’re deserving and present it. Nervous? Allow me to remind you that you just grew an entire human being and then either pushed it out your vagina or allowed someone to cut it out of your body so it could enter this world. Asking for a raise? Please, you got this.
Maybe it’s not a raise you need. You might need extra time to pump or a private space to pump in. Maybe you need to work from home one day a week. Or maybe it’s none of these things. If you’re feeling especially undervalued and drained, now is a good time to own that. Maybe you need a new job.
Advocating for yourself at home
If you’re staying home, you definitely need to advocate for yourself. Stay-at-home moms often forget this. But if you’re staying home with tiny humans 24/7 your sanity and well-being are especially vulnerable because you’re constantly on the front-lines. This could mean something simple like giving yourself grace to eat that cookie dough. Or making the time to go work out because you ate the dang cookie dough. Good for you, by the way. Cookie dough has therapeutic properties they haven’t discovered yet. Maybe you just need to let your self cry or cuss. I like to think Jesus gives us hall passes for cussing sometimes. Or maybe it’s asking your husband for an hour each weekend to go to a coffee shop alone and drink a cup of warm coffee.
Advocating for yourself in your head
The hardest place to advocate for yourself is neither at home nor at work, it’s inside your own head. You know all those negative voices, the ones telling you you’re not doing a good job? Or what about the other voices that are gossiping about how you can’t fit back into your skinny jeans yet? Don’t these voices know you can hear them? Well, yes, they do, but they are rude and don’t care. These voices will stay comfortable with their feet propped until you evict them.
Don’t forget you have secret weapons for missions like this, the Bible and your friend Jesus. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Pray, gather scripture and remind those voices that God who loves and values you wins. It may take a lot of reminding, but those voices are really just stubborn cowards who will eventually run away.
Advocating for yourself to healthcare professionals
And listen, maybe you do need to call your doctor and have that conversation about medication. That’s fine. Maybe you should go see that counselor so you can process the new family dynamics. Go, do it.
Did you know there are even occupational and physical therapists who specialize in maternal health and well-being? They focus on things like pelvic floor strengthening and looking at functional tasks required for caring for a baby. If you’re local I have an occupational therapist friend who owns her own business doing this and she is fabulous, her Facebook page is HERE.
Take an inventory of what you need
I don’t know what it is for you, but be intentional and take an inventory of what you need. Listen to your body, mind and spirit. The postpartum season can be especially treacherous. You just brought a human into this earth, advocate for what you need and give yourself grace.
The payoff
As for me, I went back to work. Oh, and did I mention? I got my raise. A 20% raise to be exact. I know that may not be the same for everyone. But even if you get a “no” as an answer to advocating for yourself, there’s value there. The value is proving to yourself that you were worth the question in the first place. That’s a great start.
Because here’s the thing about advocating for yourself, you’ll never know what the payoff would have been if you don’t simply ask. I’m grateful someone encouraged me to ask. This post is my humble attempt to pay it forward.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure to check out Motherhood is Full of Cold Coffee, and Cold Coffee: The Prelude (TTC).
Also, If you want a copy of the letter I wrote to advocate for my raise, I made you one. Numbers and names have been changed for privacy. Just drop your name and email below! You’ll also be added to my email list, don’t worry, you can always unsubscribe with a click.