If you’re feeling deep in the Christmas hustle, The Cat That Shat on Christmas, is for you friends.
This very TRUE story is written (and experienced) by my friend Faith Wilson. I am honored to share it as the first guest post on the blog. With no further delay, I present:
The Cat That Shat on Christmas:
I went to bed last night with my entire day planned out, to the minute. It was to be a special day full of kids school Christmas parties and lots of fun. I was excited to say the least.
Unfortunately, I woke up with a killer migraine, completely unaware of what was in store for me.
NO. IDEA. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. And here’s a little disclaimer: I will say the word “shit….” if that offends you, you may not want to continue reading, but I will say, you will miss out on reading a story that sounds like I am certainly making it up. I wish. God, how I wish this was a made up story. I also wish this story were full of overly dramatic embellishments, but no. It’s all exactly as it happened. This putrid of a story deserves the harshness of the word. You’ll see why.
After I got the 3 older kids loaded on the bus, my head was still pounding. I decided a bath might be helpful. Just as I slipped into the bath, Indi, my 3 year old, came to tell me Scout, our 6 month old cat, was meowing. Now, I know this means she is about to poop if I don’t let her outside, so I jolted up and of the bathtub, and grabbed the nearest towel. But before I could even cross the threshold out of my room I was smacked in the face with a horrifying odor. I reached my doorway and looked down in what feels like slow motion to see the lovely gift of liquid cat shit trailed across my carpet floor, leading to the living room.
Slowly, I entered the living room.
I could see droplets of liquid poop leading all the way to the Christmas tree, littered with tiny shitty paw prints and then the trail stopped.
My head was still stabbing as I leaned down to inspect and see if there were any piles poop she left behind. On my hands and knees, wrapped in a towel, there it is- in all it’s splendor, a liquid pile of shit, spread across several wrapped gifts.
When I say I scrambled, I cannot emphasize enough how fast i was moving. I dropped the towel, grabbed a trash bag and unwrapped each gift so Indi wouldn’t discover the shit covered Christmas presents everywhere. As I did this, I discovered that liquid shit actually seeps through wrapping paper and saturates packaging too. So now, I’m also unwrapping actual toys, out of the packages! I’m starting to panic because at any moment, Indi could walk in and see everyone’s unwrapped presents. As I’m scrambling, a spot on the wall catches my eye.
It couldn’t be what I think it is….
There’s no possible way.
But welcome to my life.
Yes.
It is.
It’s cat shit sprayed all over the wall.
How does this happen you ask?
I asked myself the very same thing. As I looked closer, I discovered that the liquid shit was ALSO DRIPPING OFF THE FREAKING CHRISTMAS TREE. DROPLETS on almost all the branches. Cat shit. Everywhere.
Y’all. I couldn’t handle it.
My migraine, the trails of liquid cat shit, the presents, the wall and now the FREAKING CHRISTMAS TREE- covered in cat shit. All I can deduce is that Scout was climbing the tree (even though I can’t tell you how many times we have tried to train her to NOT CLIMB THE CHRISTMAS TREE) and as she was climbing the tree, she had explosive, splattering, uncontrollable, diarrhea.
I started to feel the tears flood my face and I just start sobbing – with my head throbbing. I bend down to start trying to clean up, but lo and behold, bending down is my undoing. The combo of an insane migraine and the inescapable putrescence odor overwhelm me and I find myself vomitting.
I am now covered in cat shit and vomit.
Now, halfway sobbing and halfway laughing, I clean myself and everything else up. I carefully take any ornament of significance off the tree, and clean the shit off them. I compose myself, stand up, and rewrap my towel around me. Then I pick up the whole damn tree with it’s shitty lights and shitty ornaments, walk outside to the end of my driveway for all the world to see me hurling that shit show straight into the trash can.
Once I collect myself, I do what any woman would do, I reach out to my best friend. She was wonderful and immediately started behind the scenes, damage control, finding us a replacement tree and ornaments to fill it, because she’s just that amazing.
Walking back inside, I pretended like it was a new day.
I climbed back into the bathtub and all I could say was, “Well, that just happened. My cat shat on Christmas. This will go down in the books as THE DAY THE CAT SHAT ON CHRISTMAS.”
A little about Faith:
In addition to being a great writer and storyteller, she’s a mom to four amazing kids, has a “hot hubby” (her words!), is a yogi, a musician, an artist and is crazy enough to go back to school to pursue a degree in Psychology. She loves to write and find humor in the craziness of life. She enjoys spending time with her favorite people and loves being outside with nature in all her beauty.
Wow, Faith, just writing your description makes me tired. Keep up your amazing talents and pursuits! And to my blog friends, I hope this story made you laugh in this busy, busy season.
Cheers!
Thelma Socia says
Brittany I love this story. I’m laughing and crying as I type this. I’m glad I don’t have my makeup on yet !!!!
Waiting for the next story.
Thelma
brittany says
Yes so glad you enjoyed it!! such a great story!!